World's biggest loser.

World's biggest loser.

I was that.  Does it bother me ?  Speaking in my now ... I say a categorical no for aren't I here talking about it.  For the last 4 years that I have been the author of MasterMind I have gone through so many ups and downs that life threw my way that it was a struggle to get back on top again.And by that I mean success.  I saw lakhs as followers at one time and they soon whittled away. I was on google No. 1 spot for months and neither did it do me much good.  In fact nothing ever did my sales any good but I personally grew in stature in my own eyes till none of the outer stuff did I need. I was told right at the start of my work that my success would come out of america and so I would dilligently maintain wordpress sites and listen to the irony of this. Wordpress shut them down because I would get so many followers that they thought I was using techniques like seo to garner traffic. Imagine the pot calling the kettle black. I would struggle for hours teaching myself through free videos and when I became good at what I did ... it became questionable.  After all what is the reason of having a website if not for traffic.  It was askew logic and all the negative vibrations of the world could only have been responsible for such thinking. I let them go.  
One important fact I must mention here .. random men and women who use websites to earn a living would seek my permission to link to me and leave a blessing for me praising me and my work. They would often say things like .. after surfing the whole day and finding rubbish .. your site is refreshing .. we are sharing your link .. keep up the good work.  All these messages are still there on my site.  I guess I am still a loser.

 Ah the top ... where does it exist ... only in my head ... and now .. do I still aspire to be there. My answer is a categorical no for the truth dawned on me eventually ... I did not need anybody else to tell me that learning is a constant battle with the self to remain on top of things. That is now the only top I affirm to remain at. To my own self I have begun to sound like a computer ... if people speak or write something wrong .. pat .. my mind will automatically correct it.   There are so many layers to knowledge that to try and define the self then becomes a hurdle .. not to myself .. I see myself inside out .. but others must definitely have that problem.

And then I told myself Roda you have managed to make your self a total misfit in this world for the more you correct people .. the more they are going to not like your company. Now they see me from this point of view ... whereas from where I stand I just want to help and perhaps prevent a mishap .. however small or big it may be for the answer does not want to remain within me .. but I learnt to keep quiet and allowed myself to be a loser.  

So what kind of a loser do I now categorise myself .. the one who wanted to give so badly that it hurt ... to one who no longer wants to give .. cares to give anything any more.  It was tough ... but I safely reached this place without doing myself any more harm. I now picture myself as the mother oyster .. who refused to leave her oyster bed in the poem ... The walrus and the carpenter in Alice in Wonderland. I also learned how to shut out outside chatter through the exchange Alice would have with the Cheshire Cat.

I have forcibly stopped the revolutions in my solar plexus or anywhere else.

No comments: